The Myth of "Deserving"
Are you waiting to feel deserving before you go after something?
We don’t talk about enough, how much the word “deserve” controls our lives.
“I just don’t know if I deserve it.”
“She got the job because she deserved it more.”
“I’ll ask for it once I feel like I’ve earned it.”
Sound familiar?
“Deserving” has become the invisible gatekeeper of our dreams. We are taught that if we work hard enough, are good enough, and prove ourselves enough, then we’ll deserve the thing we want. The love. The money. The opportunity. The big break.
But what if that logic is backwards?
The idea of deserving is deeply rooted in social comparison, performance culture, and moral judgment. It’s often tied to shame: If I don’t have it yet, it must be because something about me is lacking.
But here's what research in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) tells us: thoughts like “I don’t deserve success” are often cognitive distortions. Meaning they are learned beliefs, not truths.
Brené Brown’s work on shame supports this too. She found that people who live with a strong sense of worthiness , what she calls "wholehearted" people, aren’t waiting to deserve anything. They believe they are already worthy of love, joy, and success. No prerequisites required.
When we wait to feel deserving before we act, we fall into what I call the Deserve Delay Loop:
Desire arises → You want something more.
Inner resistance → A voice says, “Who are you to want that?”
Conditional worth → You believe you need to earn/deserve it first.
Inaction → You hesitate, procrastinate, or self-sabotage.
Shame sets in → “I knew I wasn’t cut out for this.”
Desire resurfaces, but with more self-doubt.
And the loop is repeated.
When you operate from a ChangeMindset, you recognize that “deserving” is not the fuel of progress — agency is.
You stop asking: “Do I deserve this?”
And start asking: “What would I do if I already believed I was enough?”
Because the truth is you don’t need to feel deserving to begin. In fact, most of us begin before we believe. The belief often follows the leap.
If you’ve been stuck waiting to deserve something, try this 5-minute mindset reset:
Name the thing you want. Be honest.
List the “conditions” your inner critic has set. What are the silent rules? (“Once I lose 10 lbs… Once I get certified… Once I prove myself…”)
Ask: Who taught me that worth is conditional? Was it school? Family? Culture? Name the influence.
Challenge the belief. Is it true I must earn this? What if I’m already enough?
Anchor a new belief.
Write: “Even if I don’t feel deserving, I can still choose to begin.”
In The ChangeMindset Community, we help people rewire these mental traps — the ones that keep you stuck in cycles of self-doubt and false narratives.
“Deserving” is one of the most dangerous myths because it sounds virtuous. But in reality? It keeps too many brilliant, capable people— playing small.
Your worth is not up for debate. You’re allowed to go after more. Not because you’ve earned it, but because you’re here. Because you’re growing. Because it is YOUR time.
If you’re tired of waiting to feel ready or deserving — join us.
In the ChangeMindset Community, we’re helping people rewrite the rules of reinvention. Learn more here: www.changemindset.co